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रंगीला शहंशाह और रंगीलावाद

पेशे से डॉक्टर प्रवीण कुमार झा रहते नॉर्वे में हैं लिखते हिन्दुस्तान की स्थितियों पर हैं. वामा गाँधी के नाम से ‘चमनलाल की डायरी’ नामक एक किताब लिख चुके हैं. मूलतः व्यंग्यकार हैं. कई बार उनको पढ़ते हुए हरिशंकर परसाई याद आ जाते हैं. मसलन रंगीला शहंशाह के किस्से पढ़ते हुए. आप भी पढ़िए और रंगीलावाद को अपनाइए- मॉडरेटर
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लोकतंत्र में जब कुकुरमुत्तों की तरह पार्टियाँ बन गईकिसी को बहुमत नहीं मिला। न कोई गठबंधन को तैयार। हर दूसरे महीने चुनाव होने लगेऔर वही ड्रामा शुरू। आखिर थक हार कर महामहिम ने संसद में ताला लगवा दियाऔर लोकतंत्र बरखास्त कर दी। देश में राजशाही की स्थापना की गई और इसके लिये दस प्रतियोगिताओं के आयोजन किये गए। जो विजयीवही राजा। रंगीला राजा ने कुश्ती में सबको मात दीशतरंज में सूरमाओं को हरायासाइकल से आगरादिल्ली रेस जीतीकाशी में शास्त्रार्थ और बॉर्नवीटा क्विज भी। ऐसे ही कई मुकाबलों में परचम लहराकर दिल्ली की गद्दी पर जा बैठे।
रंगीला राजा अजीब से मनुष्य थे। सुपरमैन की चड्डी पहनकर घूमते थेऔर माथे पर स्वस्तिकनुमा टीका करते थे। लंबे बाल और हिटलर वाली छद्म मूँछ। स्वनामधन्य थे रंगीला राजा। महामहिम की शर्तों पर खरे उतरेतो अब हिंदुस्तान के शहंशाह थे। जो मर्जी पहनेजो मर्जी करें।
रोम के राजाओं की तरह उन्हें गणमान्य लोगों की संसद दी गईजो मंत्रालय वगैरा सँभालेंगें। पर चलेगी बस रंगीलाराजा की। संसद का पहला सत्र प्रारंभ हुआ। रंगीला राजा बुलेट से पधारे और संसद के लॉन में धूप सेंकने लगे। वहीं कुर्सियाँ लगवाई गई और राजा साहेब को मुद्दों से अवगत करवाया गया।
बाकी मुद्दे बाद में। पहले इस कश्मीर को रफादफा करिए।
राजा साहेबवो तो आज तक कोई नहीं सुलझा पाया।
कल ही घोषणा कर दी जाए। आजाद हैंजो मरजी करें।
क्या कह रहे हैं हजूर?”
वही जो आप सुन रहे हैं। अगला मुद्दा बताएँ।
बाकी तो वही घिसेपिटे जातिवाद आदि हैं।
जातिवाद कड़े तौर पर लागू कर दी जाए। चार वर्ण बना के काम बाँट दी जाए।
ये कैसे संभव हैअब तो हर जाति हर कर्म कर रही है।
हाँतो ऑप्शन दे दीजिये। किसे पूजापाठ करना हैकिसे बंदूक उठानी हैएक हफ्ते के अंदर फाइनल बता दें। बाद में बदला नहीं जाएगा। और कुछ?”
इससे तो हम पिछली सदी में लौट जाएँगें।
राजामहाराजा भी तो आ गए। पिछलीअगली छोड़ो। मेरी बात कल तक लागू हो जानी चाहिए।
कश्मीर अचानक से आजाद हो गया। सेना जश्न मनाती सियाचिन के ग्लेसियर और पूँछ के बीहड़ पहाड़ों से निकल कर जम्मू में सेट हो गई। रंगीला शहंशाह की जयजयकार करने लगी। बाकी के देश और कश्मीर में खलबली मच गई। खैरबाकी का देश तो जाति वाली फॉर्म भरने में व्यस्त हो गयाकश्मीर में कोई रणनीति नहीं नजर आ रही थी। पाकिस्तान भी कन्फ्यूज्ड था।
घाटी से पलायन हो रहे थे। भारतकश्मीर बॉर्डर पर भीड़ जमा हो गई। उधर पाकिस्तान के आतंकवादी संगठन बोरियाबिस्तर बाँधने लगे। ‘कश्मीर हमारा है‘ के बोर्ड हटा दिए गए। पाकिस्तान की हालत उस बच्चे की तरह हो गई थीजिसका पसंदीदा खिलौना छीनकर लॉलीपॉप पकड़ा दी गई हो। अब वो रोतेरोते लॉलीपॉप चूस रहा हैऔर खिलौने को याद कर रहा है।
यहाँ अलग ही अराजकता मची है। वैश्य और दलित काउंटरों में लंबी लाइन लगी है। क्षत्रिय में कुछ मौने सरदार खड़े हो गए हैं। ब्राह्मण काउंटर में कुछ वृद्ध और कुछ गोलमटोल पंडे।
अबे छोड़ो भाईकहाँ धूप में खड़े रहेंगेंचल ब्राह्मण ही बन जाते हैं।” दलित काउंटर से एक अधेड़ की आवाज।
पूजापाठ के लिए संस्कृत सीखनी पड़ेगी। इधर ही खड़े रहो।
किसने कहापूजा की किताबें आती है। पढ़ डालो। दक्षिणा उठाओ।
दक्षिणा न मिली तो भूखे मरोगे। यहाँ बढ़ईधोबीखानसामा सभी नौकरियाँ है।
तो क्षत्रिय वाले में घुस जाता हूँ।
खामख्वाह मारे जाओगे। लगे रहो चुपचाप।
थोड़ी ही देर में भगदड़छीनाझपटी सब शुरू।
अरे भाई चतुर्वेदीकाहे इधर घुसे चले आ रहे हो। जाओ अपनी लाइन में।
भाई दुकान है मेरी। मैं वैश्य वाली में लगूँगा।
और जनेऊ उतार फेंकोगे?”
ऑर्डर आएगा तो फेंक दूँगा। जनेऊ का क्या है?”
फिर पीछे लगोवर्माश्रीवास्तव को आगे जाने दो।
ये कोई बात नहीं हुई। अब सुना हैएक ही सरनेम मिलेगा हर जात को।
रंगीला भी अजीब आदमी है। कश्मीर भी छोड़ दिया।
सुना है पाकिस्तान भी नहीं ले रही।
न नउनकी आर्मी घुस चुकी है।
जैसे तू घुसा पड़ा है। निकाल सब चतुर्वेदीदूबे को।
धक्केबाजी फिर से चालू हो गई। पुलिस ने लाठीचार्ज कर दिया। सब जान बचाकर तितरबितर हुए। आखिर सब कुछ न कुछ जाति उठाकर चल दिए। एक हफ्ते में रंगीला की मनुसंहिता लागू हो गई।
अब जातियाँ बँट गई तो आरक्षण खत्म। सारे पंडित मंदिरों में मिलते या विद्यालयों में। जिन्होंनें जबरदस्ती जाति उठा ली थीउनको सरकार की ओर से मुफ्त प्रशिक्षण दिया जाने लगा। कुछ ही दिनों में सब सेट हो गए।
रही बात कश्मीर कीउसमें पाकिस्तान का कब्जा तो हुआपर वहाँ बम फिर से फूटने लगे। आतंकवादी तो ठहरे आतंकवादीउनके लिये क्या जिहाद और क्या कश्मीरबम फोड़े जाओ बस। बिना मतलब का श्रीनगर के सचिवालय में बम छोड़ कर भाग गए। अब उन्हें कौन समझाए कि भाई कश्मीर को आजाद हुए हफ्ता हो गया।
रंगीला शहंशाह रोज संसद बिठाते और ऐसे ही ताबड़तोड़ अजीबोगरीब निर्णय लेते।
आज से सबकी वेतन एक कर दोघंटे के हिसाब से।
मतलब बढ़ई भी वही कमाएजो वकील?”
अरे वकील तो छोड़ोटाटाबिरला भी वही कमाएँगें जो बढ़ई।
ये तो साम्यवाद ला रहे हैं हजूर।
इससे याद आया। आप लोग ‘रंगीलावाद‘ शब्द पर किताब निकालें। बहुत हो गया साम्यवादसमाजवाद!”
सारे प्राइवट अस्पताल और स्कूल सरकारी बना दें। इलाज मुफ्त!”
सरकारी खजाना खाली हो जाएगा!”
सबसे टैक्स वसूल करें। जो न देगरम ईंट पर धूप में खड़े कर दें। और हाँहाईकोर्ट सुप्रीम कोर्ट का झंझट खत्म करें।
मतलब?”
एक ही बार कचहरी बैठेगी। जितना जोर लगाना है लगा लो। जज साहब ने कह दिया मुजरिम तो फाइनल।
लेकिन अपील तो होनी चाहिए।
कन्फ्यूजन होगा तो जज माँग लेगें ‘सेकंड ओपिनियन‘ भाई। जब वो पक्के हैंतो कोई अपील नहीं।
अब सजा भी बता दीजिए हजूर।
जज साहब जो मरजी करें। फाँसी पर न लटकाएँ। गंगा में डुबाडुबा कर मारेंताकि उसके भी पाप धुल जाएँ।
वाहकितना पवित्र मृत्युदंड!”
चलियेअब संसद भंग की जाए। और वीकेन्ड मनाया जाए।
रंगीलावाद के आगमन के बाद हिंदुस्तान सपाट हो गया। जितनी टेढ़ीमेढ़ी रेखायें थीशतरंज के खाने की तरह सीधी हो गई। और रंगीला के ऊँटघोड़ोंप्यादों से पट गई। फिर भीसाँपसीढ़ी खेल से तो बेहतर ही थी। पता नहींहिंदुस्तान आगे जा रहा था या पीछेपर रंगीला भारत खुशनुमा जरूर था।

 

 
      

About Prabhat Ranjan

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