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‘एक गधे की आत्मकथा’ के चुनिन्दा अंश

1950 के दशक के आखिरी वर्षों में उर्दू के मशहूर लेखक कृशन चंदर का उपन्यास आया था ‘एक गधे की आत्मकथा’. भारतीय लोकतंत्र पर बहुत बड़ा व्यंग्य था. उपन्यस में गधा प्रधानमंत्री जवाहरलाल नेहरु से भी मिलता है. कृशन चंदर ने अपनी आत्मकथा ‘आधे सफ़र की पूरी कहानी’ में लिखा है कि एक बार लेखकों के एक जलसे में किसी ने उनको पंडित नेहरु से मिलवाया तो नेहरु जी ने कहा, हाँ-हाँ जानता हूँ वही गधे वाले. आजकल चल रहे गधा विमर्श के दूर में इस उपन्यास की याद आई. उसके दो छोटे-छोटे अंश पढ़िए- प्रभात रंजन

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इसके पढ़ने से बहुतों का भला होगा

महानुभाव ! मैं न तो कोई साधु संन्यासी हूं, न कोई महात्मा-धर्मात्मा। न श्री 108 स्वामी गहम गहमानन्द का चेला हूं, न जड़ी बूटियों वाला सूफी गुरमुखसिंह मझेला हूं। न मैं वैद्य हूं, न कोई डाक्टर। न कोई फिल्म स्टार हूं, न राजनीतिज्ञ। मैं तो केवल एक गधा हूं, जिसे बचपन के दुष्कर्मों के कारण समाचार पत्र पढ़ने का घातक रोग लग गया था। होते-होते यह रोग यहां तक बढ़ा कि मैंने ईंटें ढोने का काम छोड़कर केवल समाचार-पत्र पढ़ना आरम्भ कर दिया। उन दिनों मेरा मालिक धब्बू कुम्हार था, जो बाराबंकी में रहता था। (जहां के गधे बहुत प्रसिद्ध हैं) और सैयद करामतअली शाह बार एट ला की कोठी पर ईंटें ढोने का काम करता था। सैयद करामतअली शाह लखनऊ के एक माने हुए बैरिस्टर थे, और अपने पैतृक नगर बाराबंकी में एक आलीशान कोठी स्वयं अपनी निगरानी में बनवा रहे थे। सैयद साहब को पढ़ने-लिखने का बहुत शौक था।

 इसलिए अपनी कोठी का जो भाग उन्होंने सबसे पहले बनवाया, वह उनकी लाइब्रेरी का हाल तथा रीडिंग-रूम था, जिसमें वह प्रातःकाल आकर बैठ जाते। वह बाहर बरामदे में कुर्सी डालकर समाचार पत्र पढ़ते और ईंटें ढोने वालों की निगरानी भी करते रहते। उन्हीं दिनों मुझे समाचार पत्र पढ़ने का चस्का पड़ा। होता अधिकतर यों था कि इधर मैंने एक उठती हुई दीवार के नीचे ईंटें फेंकीं, उधर भागता हुआ रीडिंग-रूम की ओर चला गया। बैरिस्टर साहब समाचार पढ़ने में इतने लीन होते कि उन्हें मेरे आने की खबर तक न होती और मैं उनके पीछे खड़ा होकर समाचार-पत्र का अध्ययन शुरू कर देता। बढ़ते-बढ़ते यह शौक यहां तक बढ़ा कि बहुधा मैं बैरिस्टर साहब से पहले ही समाचार पत्र पढ़ने पहुँच जाता। बल्कि प्रायः ऐसा भी हुआ है कि समाचार-पत्र का पहला पन्ना मैं पढ़ रहा हूं और वह सिनेमा के विज्ञापनों वाले पन्ने मुलाहिज़ा फरमा रहे हैं। मैं कह रहा हूं-ओह ! ईडन, आइजन हावर, बुल्गानिन फिर मुलाकात करेंगे और वह कह रहे हैं-अहा !

 हज़रतगंज में दिलीप कुमार और निम्मी की नई फिल्म आ रही है। मैं कह रहा हूं-चः चः ! सिकंदरिया की हवाई दुर्घटना में बारह मुसाफिर मर गए ! और वह कह रहे हैं-बाप रे बाप ! सोने का भाव फिर बढ़ गया है। बस, इसी प्रकार हमारा यह सिलसिला चलता रहता, यहां तक कि मेरा मालिक ईंटें गिनकर और मिस्त्री के हवाले करके वापस आ जाता और मेरी पीठ पर ज़ोर से एक कोड़ा मारकर मुझे ईंटें ढोने के लिए ले जाता, लेकिन बैरिस्टर साहब मुझे कुछ न कहते। दूसरे फेरे में जब मैं वापस आता, तो वह स्वयं समाचार पत्र का अगला पन्ना उठाकर मुझे दे देते और यदि मैं पूरा पढ़ चुका होता, तो भीतर लाइब्रेरी से कोई पुस्तक निकाल लाते और ज़ोर-ज़ोर से पढ़ना शुरू कर देते। यह जो मैं पढ़ना और बोलना सीख गया हूं, तो इसे सैयद साहब का ही चमत्कार समझिए या उनकी कृपादृष्टि, क्योंकि सैयद साहब को समाचार पत्र पढ़ते हुए उन पर टिप्पणी करने की बुरी आदत थी। यहां जिस स्थान पर वह कोठी बनवा रहे थे, उन्हें कोई व्यक्ति ऐसा न मिला, जिससे वह ऐसी बहस कर सकते। यहां प्रत्येक व्यक्ति अपने अपने काम में व्यस्त था।

 बस, मैं एक गधा उन्हें मिला। परन्तु इसमें उन्हें कोई आपत्ति नहीं थी। वास्तव में वह केवल बातचीत करना चाहते थे। किसी से अपने मन की बातें कहना चाहते थे। गधे की बजाय एक खरगोश भी उनकी संगति में रहता तो महापण्डित बन जाता। सैयद साहब मेरे प्रति बड़ा स्नेह प्रकट करते थे और प्रायः कहा करते थे, ‘‘अफसोस, तुम गधे हो, अगर आदमी के बच्चे होते, तो मैं तुम्हें अपना बेटा बना लेता !’’ सैयद साहब के कोई सन्तान न थी। खैर साहब ! करनी भगवान की यह हुई कि एक दिन सैयद करामतअली शाह की कोठी तैयार हो गई और मेरे मालिक को और मुझे भी वहां के काम से छुट्टी मिल गई फिर उसी रात धब्बू कुम्हार ने ताड़ी पीकर मुझे डंडे से खूब पीटा और घर से बाहर निकाल दिया और खाने के लिए घास भी न दी। मेरा दोष यह बताया कि मैं ईंटें कम ढोता था और समाचार पत्र अधिक पढ़ता था, और कहा-मुझे ईंटें ढोने वाला गधा चाहिए, समाचार पत्र पढ़ने वाला गधा नहीं चाहिए।

रात भर भूखा प्यासा मैं धब्बू कुम्हार के घर के बाहर शीत में ठिठुरता रहा। मैंने निश्चय कर लिया कि दिन निकलते ही सैयद करामतअली शाह की कोठी पर जाऊंगा और उनसे कहूंगा कि ईंटें ढोने पर नहीं तो पुस्तकें ढोने पर ही मुझे नौकर रख लीजिए। शेक्सपियर से लेकर बेढब मूज़ी तक मैंने प्रत्येक लेखक की पुस्तकें पढ़ी हैं, और जो कुछ मैं उन लेखकों के सम्बन्ध में जानता हूं, वह कोई दूसरा गधा नहीं जा सकता। मुझे पूरी आशा थी कि सैयद साहब तुरन्त मुझे रख लेंगे, लेकिन भाग्य की बात देखिए कि जब मैं सैयद साहब की कोठी पर पहुंचा तो मालूम हुआ कि रातों रात कोठी पर फसादियों ने हमला किया और सैयद करामतअली शाह को अपनी जान बचाकर पाकिस्तान भागना पड़ा।

 फसादियों में लाहौर के गंडासिंह फल विक्रेता भी थे, जिनकी लाहौरी दरवाजे के बाहर फलों की बहुत बड़ी दुकान और माडल टाउन में एक आलीशान कोठी थी। इस हिसाब से एक अलीशान कोठी उन्हें यहां भी मिलनी चाहिए थी, सो भगवान की कृपा से उन्हें सैयद करामतअली शाह की नई बनी बनायी कोठी मिल गई। जब मैं वहां पहुंचा तो गंडासिंह लाइब्रेरी की समस्त पुस्तकें एक-एक करके बाहर फेंक रहे थे और लाइब्रेरी को फलों से भर रहे थे। यह शेक्सपियर का सेट गया और तरबूज़ों का टोकरा भीतर आया ! ये गालिब के दीवान बाहर फेंके गए और महीलाबाद के आम भीतर रखे गए ! यह खलील जिबरान गए और खरबूजे आए ! थोड़े समय के बाद सब पुस्तकें बाहर थीं और सब फल भीतर। अफलातून के स्थान पर आलू बुखारे, सुकरात के स्थान पर सीताफल ! जोश के स्थान पर जामुन मोमिन के स्थान पर मोसम्बी, शेली के स्थान पर शहतूत, कीट्स के स्थान पर ककड़ियां, सुकरात के स्थान पर बादाम, कृश्न चन्दर के स्थान पर केले और ल. अहमद के स्थान पर लीमू भरे हुए थे।

 पुस्तकों की यह दुर्गत देखकर मेरी आंखों में आंसू आ गए और मैं एक-एक करके उठाकर अपनी पीठ पर लादने लगा। इतने में गंडासिंह अपनी फलों की लाइब्रेरी से बाहर निकल आए और एक नौकर से कहने लगे-इस गधे की पीठ पर सारी पुस्तकें लाद दो और एक फेरे में न जाएं तो आठ-दस फेरे करके ये सब पुस्तकें एक लारी में भरकर लखनऊ ले जाओ और नखास में बेंच डालो। अतएव गंडासिंह के नौकर ने ऐसा ही किया। मैं दिन भर पुस्तकें लाद लादकर लारी तक पहुंचाता रहा और जब शाम हो गई और अन्तिम पुस्तक भी लारी तक पहुंच गई, तब कहीं गंडासिंह के नौकर ने मुझे छोड़ा। मेरी पीठ पर उसने ज़ोर का एक कोड़ा जमाया और मुझे लात मार कर वहां से भगा दिया। मैंने सोचा-जिस शहर में पुस्तकों तथा महापण्डितों का ऐसा अनादर होता हो, वहां रहना ठीक नहीं। इसलिए मैंने वहां से प्रस्थान करने का संकल्प कर दिया। अपने शहर के दरो दीवार पर हसरत भरी निगाह डाली, घास के दो चार तिनके तोड़कर मुंह में रखे और दिल्ली की ओर चल खड़ा हुआ। सोचा दिल्ली स्वतंत्र भारत की राजधानी भी है और कला, विद्या राज्यों तथा राजनीति का केन्द्र भी। वहां किसी न किसी प्रकार गुज़ारा हो जाएगा।

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दिल्ली का भूगोल

इसके पूर्व में शरणार्थी, पश्चिम में शरणार्थी, दक्षिण में शरणार्थी और उत्तर में शरणार्थी बसते हैं। बीच में भारत की राजधानी है और इसमें स्थान-स्थान पर सिनेमा के अतिरिक्त नपुंसकता की विभिन्न औषधियों और शक्तिवर्धक गोलियों के विज्ञापन लगे हुए हैं, जिससे यहां की सभ्यता तथा संस्कृति की महानता का अनुभव होता है। एक बार मैं चांदनी चौक से गुज़र रहा था कि मैंने एक सुन्दर युवती को देखा, जो तांगे में बैठी पायदान पर पांव रखे अपनी सुन्दरता के नशे में डूबी चली जा रही थी और पायदान पर विज्ञापन चिपका हुआ था, असली शक्तिवर्धक गोली इन्द्रसिंह जलेबी वाले से खरीदिए !’ मैं इस दृश्य के तीखे व्यंग्य से प्रभावित हुए बिना न रह सका और बीच चांदनी चौक में खड़ा होकर कहकहा लगाने लगा। लोग राह चलते-चलते रुक गए और एक गधे को बीच सड़क में कहकहा लगाते देखकर हंसने लगे।

 वे बेचारे मेरी धृष्ट आवाज पर हंस रहे थे और मैं उनकी धृष्ट सभ्यता पर कहकहे लगा रहा था। इतने में एक पुलिस के संतरी ने मुझे डण्डा मारकर टाउन हाल की ओर ढकेल दिया। इन लोगों को मालूम नहीं कि कभी-कभी गधे भी इन्सानों पर हंस सकते हैं।

दिल्ली में आने वालों को यह याद रखना चाहिए कि दिल्ली में प्रवेश करने के बहुत से दरवाज़े हैं। दिल्ली दरवाज़ा, अजमेरी दरवाज़ा, तुर्कमान दरवाज़ा इत्यादि। परन्तु आप दिल्ली में इनमें से किसी दरवाज़े के रास्ते भीतर नहीं आ सकते। क्योंकि इन दरवाज़ों के भीतर प्रायः गायें, भैंसें, बैल बैठे रहते हैं या फिर पुलिसवाले चारपाइयां बिछाए ऊंघते रहते हैं। हां, इन दरवाज़ों के दायें-बायें बहुत सी सड़के बनी हुई हैं, जिन पर चलकर आप दिल्ली में प्रवेश कर सकते हैं। अंग्रेजों ने दिल्ली में भी एक इंडिया गेट बनाया है, लेकिन इस गेट से भी गुज़रने का कोई रास्ता नहीं है। दरवाजे के ईर्द-गिर्द घूम-फिरकर जाना पड़ता है। संभव है, दिल्ली के घरों में भी थोड़े दिनों में ऐसे दरवाज़े लग जाएं; फिर लोग खिड़कियों में से कूदकर घरों में प्रवेश किया करेंगे।

दिल्ली में नई दिल्ली है और नई दिल्ली में कनाटप्लेस है। कनाटप्लेस बड़ी सुन्दर जगह है। शाम के समय मैंने देखा कि लोग लोहे के गधों पर सवार होकर इसकी गोल सड़कों पर घूम रहे हैं। यह लोहे का गधा हमसे तेज़ भाग सकता है, परन्तु हमारी तरह आवाज़ नहीं निकाल सकता। यहां पर मैंने बहुत से लोगों को भेड़ की खाल के बालों के कपड़े पहने हुए देखा है। स्त्रियां अपने मुँह और नाखून रंगती हैं, और अपने बालों को इस प्रकार ऊंचा करके बांधती हैं कि दूर से वे बिल्कुल गधे के कान मालूम होते हैं। अर्थात् इन लोगों को गधे बनने का कितना शौक है, यह आज मालूम हुआ।

कनाटप्लेस से टहलता हुआ मैं इंडिया गेट चला गया। यहां चारों ओर बड़ी सुन्दर घास बिछी थी और उसकी दूब तो अत्यंत स्वादिष्ट थी। मैं दो तीन दिन से भूखा तो था ही, बड़े मजे से मुंह मार-मारकर चरने लगा। इतने में एक ज़ोर का डंडा मेरी पीठ पर पड़ा। मैंने घबराकर देखा, एक पुलिस का सिपाही क्रोध भरे स्वर में कह रहा था:

‘‘यह कमबख्त गधा यहां कैसे घुस आया ?’’

मैंने पलटकर कहा, ‘‘क्यों भाई, क्या गधों को नई दिल्ली में आने की मनाही है ?’’

मुझे बोलता देखकर वह सटपटा गया। शायद उसने आज तक किसी गधे को बोलते नहीं सुना था। फटी-फटी आंखों से मेरी ओर देखने लगा। थोड़ी देर बाद उसका आश्चर्य कुछ कम हुआ, तो मुझे रस्सी में खींचकर थाने ले चला। थाने में ले जाकर उसने मुझे कान्स्टेबल के सामने जा खड़ा किया।

हेड कान्स्टेबल ने बड़े आश्चर्य से उसकी ओर देखकर कहा, ‘‘इसे यहां क्यों लाए हो, रामसिंह ?’’

रामसिंह ने कहा, हुजूर ! यह एक गधा है।’’

‘‘गधा तो है, यह तो मैं भी देख रहा हूं, मगर तुम इसे यहां क्यों लाए हो ?’’

‘‘हुजूर, यह इंडिया गेट पर घास चर रहा था।’’

‘‘अरे, घास चर रहा था तो क्या हुआ ! तुम्हारी बुद्धि तो कहीं घास चरने नहीं चली गई ? इसे यहां क्यों लाए ? लेकर जाकर कांजी हाउस में बंद कर देते। इस बेज़बान जानवर को थाने में लाने की क्या ज़रूरत थी।’’

रामसिंह ने रुकते-रुकते मेरी ओर विजयी दृष्टि से देखकर कहा, ‘‘हुजूर यह बेजबान नहीं है, यह बोलता है !’’ अबकी हेड कान्स्टेबल बहुत हैरान हुआ, लेकिन पहले तो उसे विश्वास न आया; फिर बोला, ‘‘रामसिंह तुम्हारा दिमाग तो ठीक है।’’

‘‘नहीं, यह बिलकुल ठीक कहता है, हेड कान्स्टेबल साहिब !’’ मैंने धीरे से सिर हिलाकर कहा।

हेड कान्स्टेबल अपनी सीट से उछला, मानो उसने कोई भूत देख लिया हो। वास्तव में उसका आश्चर्य अनुचित भी नहीं था, क्योंकि नई दिल्ली में ऐसे तो बहुत लोग होंगे जो इन्सान होकर गधों की तरह बातें करते हों लेकिन एक ऐसा गधा, जो गधा होकर इन्सानों की सी बात करे, हेड कान्स्टेबल ने आज तक देखा सुना न था। इसलिए बेचारा चकरा गया। उसकी समझा में न आया कि क्या करे। आखिर सोच-सोचकर उसने रोजनामचा खोला और रपट दर्ज़ करने लगा।

उसने मुझसे पूछा, ‘‘तुम्हारा नाम ?’’

‘‘गधा।’’

‘‘बाप का नाम ?’’

‘‘गधा।’’

‘‘दादा का नाम ?’’

‘‘गधा।’’

‘‘यह क्या बकवास है ?’’ हेड कान्स्टेबल ने क्रोधपूर्वक कहा, ‘‘सबका एक ही नाम है ! यह कैसे हो सकता है। अब मुझे देखो, मेरा नाम ज्योतिसिंह है।

मेरे बाप का नाम प्यारेलाल था। मेरे दादा का नाम जीवनदास था। हमारे यहां नाम बदलते रहते हैं। तुम ज़रूर झूठ बोलते हो।’’

ज्योतिसिंह मुझे सुन्देह की नज़रों से देखने लगा।

मैंने कहा, ‘‘हुजूर ! मैं झूठ नहीं बोलता, सच कहता हूं कि हमारे यहां नाम नहीं बदलते। जो बाप का नाम होता है, वही बेटे का, वही पोते का।’’

‘‘इसके क्या लाभ ?’’ ज्योतिसिंह ने पूछा।

‘‘इससे वंशावली मिलाने में सुविधा होती है। उदाहरणस्वरूप क्या आप मुझे अपने परदादा के परदादा का नाम बता सकते हैं ?’’ मैंने ज्योतिसिंह से पूछा।

‘‘नहीं।’’ ज्योतिसिंह ने अफसोस प्रकट किया।

‘‘मगर मैं बता सकता हूं। आपके यहां वह आदमी बड़ा खानदानी समझा जाता है, जो आप से चार सौ, छह सौ आठ सौ, सोलह सौ साल पहले के अपने पुरखे का नाम बता सके। देखिए, मैं आपको आज से सोलह सौ क्या, सोलह लाख साल पहले के अपने पुरखे का नाम बता बताता हूं-श्री गधा ! बोलिए, फिर क्या हम गधे आपसे बेहतर खानदान के हुए या नहीं ?’’

ज्योतिसिंह ने बड़े ध्यान से मेरी ओर देखा। उसका सन्देह और बढ़ गया। उसने धीमे स्वर में रामसिंह के कान में कानाफूसी करते हुए कहा, ‘‘मुझे यह शख्स बड़ा खतरनाक मालूम होता है। हो न हो, यह कोई विदेशी जासूस है, जो गधे के लिबास में नई दिल्ली के चक्कर लगा रहा है !’’

रामसिंह ने कहा, ‘‘हुजूर ! मैं तो समझता हूं, इसकी खाल उतरवा कर देखना चाहिए, भीतर से खुफिया जासूस निकल आएगा। फिर हम इसे फौरन गिरफ्तार कर लेंगे।’’

ज्योतिसिंह ने कहा, ‘‘तुम बिल्कुल ठीक कहते हो। लेकिन इसके लिए सब इन्सपेक्टर चाननराम की आज्ञा लेना बहुत जरूरी है। चलो, इसे उनके सामने ले चलें।’’

मेरे कान में भी कुछ भनक पड़ गई थी, लेकिन मैं कान लपेटे चुप रहा और उन दोनों के साथ भीतर के कमरे में सब इन्सपेक्टर चाननराम के सामने चला। चाननराम की मूंछें बिच्छू के डंक की तरह खड़ी थीं और उसका सुर्ख चेहरा हर समय तमतमाया रहता था। चाननराम को आज तक किसी ने हंसते या मुस्कराते हुए नहीं देखा था, इसलिए लोग उसे एक योग्य पुलिस अफसर समझते थे। चाननराम ने उनकी पूरी बात सुनकर मेरी ओर घूरकर देखा और कहा, ‘हूं ! तो तुम पाकिस्तान के जासूस हो ?’’

मैं चुप रहा।

चाननराम ने ज़ोर से मेज में मुक्का मारकर कहा, ‘‘समझ गया, तुम रूस के एजेण्ट हो।’’

मैं फिर भी चुप रहा।

चाननराम ने दांत पीसते हुए कहा, ‘‘कमबख्त ! बदमाश ! कम्युनिस्ट ! मैं तुम्हारी हड्डी-पसली एक कर दूंगा, वरना जल्दी बताओ तुम कौन हो ?’’

यह कहकर चाननराम मुझे मुक्कों, लातों और ठोकरों से मारने लगा। मारते-मारते जब वह बिल्कुल बेदम हो गया तो मैंने ज़ोर से एक दर्द भरी आवाज़ की। आवाज़ करते ही वह रुक गया और पहले मेरी ओर आश्चर्य से देखकर और फिर अत्यन्त क्रोध से ज्योतिसिंह और रामसिंह की ओर देखकर बोला, ‘‘अरे, यह तो बिलकुल गधा है। और तुम कहते हो, यह कोई विदेशी जासूस है। तुम मुझसे मज़ाक करते हो, मैं अभी तुमको डिसमिस करता हूं।’

रामसिंह और ज्योतिसिंह दोनों भय से थरथर कांपने लगे। हाथ जोड़कर बोले, ‘‘हुजूर ! अभी यह बाहर के कमरे में बोल रहा था। साफ-साफ बोल रहा था ! बिलकुल इन्सानों की तरह।’’

‘‘तुमने सपना देखा होगा या काम करते-करते तुम्हारा दिमाग खराब हो गया होगा। जाओ, इस गधे को मेरे सामने से ले जाओ ओर कांजी-हाउस में बन्द कर दो। अगर तीन चार दिन में इसका मालिक न आए तो नीलाम कर देना।’’

मैं खुशी-खुशी बाहर आया। मेरी चाल काम कर गई। अगर मैं बोलता तो वे लोग निश्चय ही मेरी खाल उधेड़कर देखते कि भीतर कौन है ?

इसके बाद तीन-चार दिन तो क्या एक हफ्ते तक कोई मालिक न आया। फिर मुझे नीलाम कर दिया गया। अबके मुझे रामू धोबी ने खरीद लिया जो यमुनापार कृष्णनगर में रहता था।

 
      

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