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हम अनाप-शनाप क्यों नहीं लिखते?

प्रदीपिका सारस्वत इन दिनों कुमाऊँ में रह रही हैं। वहीं से उन्होंने डायरीनुमा लिखकर भेजा है। जिसे उन्होंने नाम दिया है अनाप-शनाप। आप भी पढ़िए। पहाड़ों में खिले खिले धूप में चमकते फूलों सा गद्य-

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रात को सोते वक्त तकिए से कहा था कि सुबह जल्दी जागना है, सूरज उगने से पहले. कितना प्यारा मौसम होता है, चिड़ियों को सुनना, आसमान के ही नहीं, हरे पेड़ों के रंग बदलते देखना. इन दिनों जो पहाड़ों पर आडू फूले हैं, नाज़ुक गुलाबी, कितने सुंदर दिखते हैं. हाय कि मैं इन पेड़ों के लिए वक्त ही नहीं निकाल पाती. कितना अच्छा होता है पहाड़ों में घूमने के लिए आना, जिस ओर नज़र जाती है मैं नज़र भर-भर के हर चीज़ देखती हूँ. पर जब से यहां रहने आई हूँ, कुछ देखती ही नहीं. क्यों रे? ऐसे क्या बंधन हैं. इतना क्या बंधना है? पर बंधन हैं तो हैं. मरा, काम इतना है. ना-ना काम से ज़्यादा कुछ और है जो बांधे रहता है. कोई तो डर है. रस्सी का साँप. जो बात कुछ वक्त के लिए कहीं जाने में होती है, वो वहां रह जाने में क्यों नहीं होती.

हम अजनबियों को हमेशा अलग नज़र से देखते हैं. और अजनबी हमेशा हमें अलग नज़र से देखते हैं. मैं इतनी अजनबी रही हूँ लोगों के बीच कि मुझे अजनबी रहने की आदत हो गई है. कहीं का होकर रहना आता ही नहीं मुझे. ऐसा भी नहीं है लेकिन. कहीं का होने के लिए, कहीं रुकना पड़ता है. न रुको, तो तुम से पूछा जाता है, “कहाँ से हो तुम?” रुक जाओ तो भी सवाल पहला यही होता है. कहाँ से हूँ मैं? मैं कहाँ से हूँ? यहीं से तो हूँ. यहाँ कहाँ? मुझे ये सवाल अच्छा नहीं लगता. अब यह न पूछा जाए कि क्यों.

सुबह सूरज उगने से चालीस मिनट पहले जाग गई थी. उजाला बहुत मद्धिम था और आँखों में नींद भरी थी. क्या करना है उठकर, आज ही का तो दिन है तुम्हारे पास सोते रहने के लिए. मैं फिर सो गई. कल शाम काम का कुछ बोझ हलका हो गया था, तो सुबह उतनी वज़नी नहीं थी. शुक्र है. वज़न जीने नहीं देता. दिन चढ़े उठी, तो देखा मुहल्ले के बच्चे नहा धोकर हाथों में फूलों भरी थालियाँ लिए खड़े हैं. कितना सुंदर! बच्चों की माँओं ने बताया कि त्योहार है फूलदेयी का. बच्चे फूल लेकर घर-घर जाते हैं, बदले में उन्हें गुड़ और चावल मिलता है. माँओं ने कहा, तुम्हारे घर भी आएँगे अभी. मेरा वज़न जैसे कुछ और कम हो गया. अजनबी होना मुझे पसंद है. अजनबी न होना भी उतना बुरा नहीं.

ऊपर मंटो दादा की बुख़ारी में पानी गर्म हो चुका था, मैं नहाने के लिए बाल्टी भर लाई. नहाकर अपनी नन्हीं शिवलिंग के आगे धूप जला दी. इन दिनों ये मेरा नया शग़ल है. शिव का अपने आस-पास होना अच्छा लगता है. वहीं पास बैठकर नाश्ते के लिए पपीता काटते हुए मैं मालकौंस सुन रही हूँ. शिव का राग है, नहीं पार्वती का, शायद दोनों का. शिव को समझने के लिए शक्ति को समझना ज़रूरी है. शक्ति को समझने के लिए खुद अपने आप को समझना ज़रूरी है. मालकौंस की कहानी मुझे परसों ही सिद्धार्थ ने सुनाई थी कि जब शिव तांडव कर रहे थे तो शक्ति ने उन्हें थामने के लिए सरस्वती से मालकौंस सीखा. शक्ति के मालकौंस ने शिव को शांत कर दिया, और अधिक विध्वंस होने से रह गया. शक्ति को थामने के लिए शिव ने क्या सीखा होगा, अगली बार पूछूँगी.

अनाप-शनाप लिख रही हूँ. अनाप-शनाप लिखना ज़रूरी है. हम अनाप-शनाप क्यों नहीं लिखते? वर्जीनिया वूल्फ की बात याद आ जाती है. उन्होंने एक बार कहा था कि मैं मौन को लिखना चाहती हूँ, उन बातों के बारे में जिन्हें कहा नहीं जाता.

कितना कुछ है जो कहा नहीं जाता. कुछ चीज़ें वाक़ई नहीं कही जानी चाहिए, पर वे बातें इसलिए नहीं नहीं कही जानी चाहिए क्योंकि उन्हें कहना ठीक न होगा, बल्कि इसलिए नहीं कही जानी चाहिए क्योंकि उन्हें कहना संभव नहीं है. आपके शब्द उन्हें कह नहीं सकते. जैसे कि अनामिका को साहित्य अकादमी मिलने पर मुझसे कुछ कहा नहीं गया. मैंने अनामिका को कभी नहीं पढ़ा था, मैंने बहुत कुछ पठनीय अभी नहीं पढ़ा. लेकिन एक बार मैंने उन्हें सुना, दिल्ली में. उनका ज्ञान, उनकी गरिमा और उनकी सहृदयता बहुत सुंदर लगी थी मुझे. आज जब मैं उनकी कविताएँ खोजकर पढ़ रही हूँ, मैं अपने पिता को याद कर रही हूँ. सच बताऊँ, तो मैंने कुछ कविताएँ पिता को भेज भी दी हैं. काश वे अनामिका के शब्दों में अपनी बेटियों को समझ पाएँ.

अनामिका की कविताओं को साहित्य अकादमी मिलना, मेरी जैसी अजनबी बेटियों को सवेरे-सवेरे फ्योंली के फूल मिलने जैसा ही सुंदर है. हमें थोड़ा सा और भरोसा हो जाता है कि फूलों पर हमारा भी हक है. और ये भी कि इस हक को जी लेना कोई गुनाह नहीं है. यह एक स्वीकृति है, हमारे होने की. हम कितना भी कहें कि हमें किसी बाहरी स्वीकृति की आवश्यकता नहीं, पर बाहर कुछ है ही कहां, ये जो कुछ है हमारे भीतर है. बाहर की ये स्वीकृति हमारे भीतर की ही स्वीकृति है. जानती हूँ अनाप-शनाप लिख रही हूँ. पर आज अनाप शनाप ही सही.

अभी कुछ देर पहले राजकुमारी नंदा देवी घर लौटीं. उन्होंने खाना खाया और फिर अंदर जाने की ज़िद की. मैंने उन्हें अंदर तो जाने दिया पर भूल गई कि दूध उबाल कर अभी स्लैब पर ही रख छोड़ा था मैंने. राजकुमारी जी ने दूध का भगोना जूठा कर दिया. कोई बात नहीं. मैं बस सोच रही हूँ कि बिल्ली के जूठे दूध की चाय बनाई जा सकती है कि नहीं. आज दूध लेने जाने का मन नहीं था मेरा. वो तो बस राजकुमारी जी की वजह से जाना हुआ शायद, या फिर बस इतना था कि एक अदरक वाली चाय पीने का मन था.

फूल के बदले चावल लेने आए बच्चे इस वक्त घर में मौजूद हैं. उन्हें फिल्म देखने का न्योता था. जुरासिक सीरीज़ की कोई फिल्म देख रहे थे. मैंने सीधे स्ट्रीमिंग पर देखने बैठा दिया था, तो अब सारे शोर कर रहे हैं. बत्ती चली गई थी, अब आ गई है. उनकी फिल्म वापस लगाकर मैं बालकनी में आ बैठी हूँ. हवा चल रही है, विंड चाइम पर हवा का संगीत बज रहा है. मैं लिखते हुए मन ही मन जाँच रही हूँ (दीदी, पानी चाहिए, एक शैतान लड़की को फिल्म नहीं देखनी, उसे दीदी का घर देखना है. दूसरा बच्चा आकर शिकायत करता है कि दीदी ऊपर चढ़ रही. बच्चे नए-नए आए बंक बेड पर फिल्म देख रहे हैं. उनकी शरारतें खत्म होने का नाम ही नहीं ले रहीं. शुक्र है उनकी शिकायतें मुझे परेशान नहीं कर रहीं, मैं बस मुस्कुराए जा रही हूँ) तो, मैं कह रही थी कि मन ही मन मैं जाँच रही हूँ कि अब कितना वज़न है भीतर. आज हल्का लग रहा है. जो कुछ हम चाहते हैं, वो सब होता है. हमें बस ठीक तरह देखना होता है कि हम चाहते क्या हैं.

नीचे वाले घर से देसी घी में बने खाने की सुगंध उठ रही है. मैं एक ऐसे एग्ज़िस्टेंस के बारे में सुन रही हूँ, जो फ़ॉर्मलेस हो, शेपलेस हो, पानी जैसा हो. कोई कह रहा है, “आइ लॉन्ग फ़ॉर सच ब्यूटिफ़ुल एग्ज़िस्टेंस.” मैं देख रही हूँ कि भीतर वज़न का कम होते जाना उसी एग्ज़िस्टेंस की तरफ जाना है.

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172 comments

  1. पूरा लेख पढ़के निदा फ़ाज़ली बहुत याद आये

    छोटा करके देखिए जीवन का विस्तार
    आँखों भर आकाश है बाहों भर संसार

    रोज़ कितना छोटा छोटा घटता हैं आसपास, छोटे छोटे में कितना कुछ छुपा होता हैं, हमने उस छोटे छोटे को जीना भी छोड़ दिया है और लिखना भी ।

    प्रदीपिका का लेखन जादू जैसा है
    जैसे बादलों से ताज़ा पानी बरसा हो, लेकिन पानी में सदियों का सफ़र होता है ।
    प्रदीपिका लिखती रहे और हम पढ़ते रहे बस

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