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सुरेन्द्र मोहन पाठक का व्यंग्य ‘बाल साहित्य कैसे लिखें’

जाने-माने लेखक सुरेन्द्र मोहन पाठक अब पूरी तरह स्वस्थ हैं और दुबारा लेखन में रम गए हैं। यह उनका नया व्यंग्य पढ़िए, जो खास आपके लिए लिखा है उन्होंने-

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‘बाल साहित्य कैसे लिखें’

(पाठ्यक्रम में रूचि रखने वाले व्यक्तियों के लिए)

 

हमें विश्वस्त सूत्रों से ज्ञात हुआ है कि जो कोई भी इस विज्ञापन को पढ़ रहा है, वो निश्चित रूप से अपने जीवन में कभी बच्चा था. इस का मतलब है कि बाल साहित्य का लेखक बनने के सिलसिले में आधा किला तो आप फतह कर भी चुके हैं. अभी बाकी आधे के लिए आप ने कलम उठानी है और एक बाल कथा लिख डालनी है.

वस्तुत: बाल साहित्य लिखना उतना ही आसन है जितना की क ख ग लिखना. जी हाँ, आप ने ठीक समझा. बच्चे ग्रामर, पंक्चुएशन वगैरह नहीं समझते. उन के लिए पुस्तक कुछ शब्दों का समूह और कुछ  पृष्ठों के अतिरिक्त कुछ नहीं. लिहाजा सही, सटीक भाषा लिखने के लिए बड़े बड़े शब्दों का ज्ञान आवश्यक नहीं.

तो क्या आवश्यक है?

आवश्यक है बाल साहित्य लिखना शुरू करने से पहले कुछ खास नुक्तों की जानकारी रखना, जैसे कि:

  • आप को कहानी सफ़ेद कागज़ पर किसी गहरे रंग के चाक से लिखनी चाहिए या बाल प्वायंट पेन से परचून के खाकी लिफाफे पर या टाइपराइटर के जरिये पिज़्ज़ा के खाली डिब्बे की पीठ पर.
  • कहानी किस को प्रेषित करनी चाहिए! मारुति उद्योग को या किसी पुस्तक प्रकाशक को!
  • चित्रांकन के लिए आप की पुस्तक में कैमरा फोटोग्राफ्स होने चाहियें या हाथ से उकेरे स्केच होने चाहियें?

ये वो जगह है जहाँ से हमारा दखल शुरू होता है. हम हैं ‘बाल साहित्य कैसे लिखें’ गृह पाठयक्रम और लेखक की निहित प्रतिभा खोजी संस्थान. सूचनार्थ निवेदन है कि हमारे संस्थान का नाम लिम्का बुक ऑफ़ रिकार्ड्स में सब से लम्बे नाम वाले शिक्षा संस्थान के तौर पर पहले से दर्ज है, हमारे संस्थान  की श्रेष्ठता का इस से बड़ा प्रमाण और क्या हो सकता है!

शंका निवारण :

आप अभी भी खुद से सवाल करते हो सकते हैं – क्या मैं बाल साहित्य लिख पाने की योग्यता रखता हूँ?

उपरोक्त के सन्दर्भ में हमारा निवेदन है :

यदि आप अपनी चेक बुक निकाल कर हमारे नाम 20,000 रूपये का चेक लिख सकते हैं और आप के बैंक वाले आप के आलेख का ऐसा रौब खाते है कि वो चेक की रक़म तुरंत हमारे एकाउंट में स्थानांतरित कर देते हैं तो यकीन जानिये आप लेखक बनने की योग्यता रखते हैं.

हमारे पाठ्यक्रम का पहला पाठ ‘पेंसिल कैसे घड़ें’ प्राप्त करते ही आप अपने दोस्तों और परिचितों

के दायरे में ख़म ठोक कर कहते दिखाई देंगे – ‘सालो, मैं लेखक बन गया हूँ’. तदुपरांत हम आप को  अपने संस्थान का सत्यापित परिचय-पत्र भेज देंगे (जाहिर है कि इस मद में अतिरिक्त भुगतान होने के बाद) जिस पर सुनहरे अक्षरों में टंकित होगा : लेखक.

अगर वांछित होगा तो अतिरिक्त ‘अतिरिक्त भुगतान’ पर हम आपके परिचय-पत्र पर आप का नाम, पता और फ़ोन नंबर भी दर्ज कर देंगे.

लेखन कला के दांवपेंच :

इस पाठ्यक्रम के अंतर्गत हम आप को मौलिक बनना और आम, घिसीपिटी लफ्फाजी से परहेज़ रखना सिखायेंगे. हम आप को विश्वास दिलाते हैं कि दूसरे की थाली का बैंगन बड़ा नहीं होगा. लेकिन क्योंकि बड़े से बड़ा सफ़र भी पहला कदम उठाने से ही शुरू होगा है और आज आप की बाकी ज़िन्दगी का पहला दिन है इसलिए याद रखें कि ‘जो डर गया, समझो मर गया’. जमा, एक मामूली मुस्कराहट में पांच तंदूरी चिकन से ज्यादा प्रेमभाव होता है. और सौ बातों की एक बात – दुनिया को महज़ गोल से चपटी मान लेने से आप छलांग मर कर उससे नीचे नहीं उतर सकते. अत: संलग्न फॉर्म भरिये और तुरंत हमें प्रेषित कीजिये.

अगर आप बाल साहित्य लेखन के प्रशस्त राजमार्ग पर कदम रखने और जगतप्रसिद्ध लेखक बनने को लालायित हैं तो देर न कीजिये, अपनी लिखी पुस्तकों से भरपूर रॉयल्टी कमाने की दिशा में फ़ौरन, अभी, पहला कदम उठाइए ताकि आप हमारे संस्थान की बड़ी बड़ी फीसें भरने में सक्षम हो सकें. कृपया तत्काल हमें अपने वीसा, मास्टर कार्ड, या अमेरिकन एक्सप्रेस की डिटेल्स प्रेषित करें.

केवल आप के लिए विशेष :

यदि आप उपरोक्त तीनों क्रेडिट कार्ड्स के नंबर हमें प्रेषित करेंगे तो आप की अपनी मंजिल पर पहुँचने की रफ़्तार अपने आप ही तीन गुना बढ़ जायेगी.

हमारे संतुष्ट विद्यार्थी

आप के अवलोकनार्थ हमारे कुछ संतुष्ट और सफल विद्यार्थियों की टिप्पणियाँ नीचे अंकित हैं :

मुझे अपनी आँखों पर विश्वास न हुआ जबके मैंने अपने प्रकाशक का भेजा लिफाफा देखा, खोला और उस में से चेक निकाला. ये मेरी महान सफलता थी जोकि 6750 पांडुलिपियां प्रेषित करने के बाद मुझे प्राप्त हुई थी. अब मैं कुछ अरसा लेखन से सन्यास लेना अफोर्ड  कर सकता हूँ क्योंकि मैंने ये भी तो फैसला करना है कि प्रकाशक के भेजे 100 रूपये के चेक का मैं कहाँ कैसे इस्तेमाल करूँ!

कलम कुमार ‘फक्कड़’

पहले मैं अपना कीमती वक़्त कुछ न कर के जाया किया करता था. लेकिन अब आप के संस्थान के सौजन्य से मैं अपना कीमती वक़्त अप्रकाशित बल साहित्य स्रजन में जाया करता हूँ.

फक्कड़ कुमार ‘कलम’

मैं सत्यापित करता हूँ कि ‘बाल साहित्य कैसे लिखें’ गृह पाठ्यक्रम और ‘लेखक की निहित प्रतिभा खोजी’ संस्थान अपनी प्रकार का विश्व का सर्वश्रेष्ठ पाठ्यक्रम है. मैंने कभी सपने में नहीं सोचा था कि मुझे कभी अपनी बाल रचनाओं का पारिश्रमिक प्राप्त होगा लेकिन हकीक़त ये है कि ये प्रशंसापत्र लिखने के लिए और उसे अपने विज्ञापन में इस्तेमाल करने के लिए मुझे अभी उपरोक्त संस्थान का चेक प्राप्त हुआ है.

सुशील दालचुनकर

सोचिये नहीं, कीजिये

हमें मौका दीजिये बाल साहित्य लेखन की राह पर अपना पहला क़दम उठाने में आप की मदद करने का. याद रखिये पहला कदम ही महती महत्वपूर्ण है, दूसरा या तीसरा या चौथा कदम आप भले ही उठायें या न उठायें, क्योंकि आप ने खड्डा खोदा है, ये दुनिया को कैसे पता चलेगा जबकि आप मिट्टी उसके अंदर ही छोड़ देंगे! जमा, क्या आप नहीं जानते कि गीले घोड़े का सवार गंगानगर नहीं पहुँच सकता. और जमा, क्या हल की लकीरें देख कर बताया जा सकता है कि खेत जोतने में कितने बैल लगे थे!

याद रखिये, ज़िन्दगी सिगरेट के धुएं की मानिंद है इसलिये उसे दाढ़ी वाले कसाई के भरोसे नहीं छोड़ना चाहिए.

कुछ समझे आप ?

हम भी नहीं समझे.

वस्तुत: आप इसलिए नहीं समझे क्योंकि आप ने नीचे दर्ज कूपन नहीं भरा :

‘बाल साहित्य कैसे लिखें’ गृह पाठ्यक्रम

और लेखक की निहित प्रतिभा खोजी संस्थान

211, संज्ञा भवन, सर्वनामनगर, विशेषणगंज

प्रिय शब्द कुमार जी,

मेरा 20,000 रूपये का चेक संलग्न है जोकि आप के तमाम शुरुआती चार्जेज चुकता करता है. मैं सत्यापित करता हूँ कि आगामी किसी भी चार्ज या किन्हीं भी चार्जेज के लिए मैं प्रतिज्ञाबद्ध हूँ. मैं सहमत हूँ कि चेक क्लियर हो जाने के बाद हासिल पाठ्यक्रम को पढना या गटर में फैंकना मेरी मर्जी पर मुनहसर होगा.

Mr./Mrs./Ms./Miss        …………………………………………

       (कृपया उपरोक्त में से एक को चुनिए

और अपना पूरा नाम स्पष्ट टंकित कीजिये)

पता :                     …………………………………………………

 

नजदीकी मनोचिकित्सक का नाम :   …………………………………………

 

                                          …………………………

                                                        (हस्ताक्षर)

नोट : हमारा संस्थान चित्र में दर्शायी खंडहर इमारत के

      पिछवाड़े में उगे पीपल के पेड़ के गिर्द बना चबूतरा है.

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About Prabhat Ranjan

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